Deep Stuff? Stream of thought…

As i start writing this post, i am confident that i am not the only one feeling these emotions. I bet all, if not the majority of 22 year olds are feeling, have felt or will feel exactly what I’m going through in this moment.

Whilst sitting on my bed, listening to Rihanna’s 2011 album, Talk That Talk, after half heartedly tidying my room, i have found my mind sinking into an unproductive, numb, and unsatisfied state. Not to sound too depressing! I’m not sad, i don’t feel upset or stressed particularly, it’s more of an overwhelming feeling of uncertainty, and as someone who deals with anxiety on a regular basis, this feeling is all too familiar.

Questions that won’t leave my mind:

  • What am i doing with my life?
  • What do i want to do with my life?
  • Should i have done more with my life so far?
  • I’m 22 and no where near ready to move out, should i be?
  • Is uni the right option?
  • Should i just get a job i hate, but pays well?
  • Should i give up?
  • Am i even trying?
  • What else can i do?
  • Are my family proud of me?
  • What is there to be proud of?
  • Why has everyone else to it together and I’m sat having anxiety attacks over whether I’m going to have my own house and meet a decent guy before I’m 30!?
  • Should i just be a stripper… or sell drugs?
  • If my sister made a sex tape, would i be as rich as Kylie Jenner? 😉

They go on & on & on!

Does anyone else feel like its taking longer than expected to get their life together? If you had asked me at the age of 16/17 what i would be doing at 22, this would of been my answer.

“I’ll be in a relationship, have just finished uni and hopefully have a full time job working for a magazine & Ill be saving up for my own house or flat.”

Wouldn’t that be a dream!!!!

I wish i had been one of those kids that when they are asked in reception what they want to be when they are older they reply with such a certain answer, and at 18 that is still what they want to be! I envy those people so much!

At 22 i am working as a part time waitress, and don’t get me wrong, I LOVE IT! I work with the best people and 90% of the time it doesn’t even feel like work. (Shoutout to The Dysart crew). BUT… i know i should be doing more? My family tell me on the regular i need to be doing more, what are you doing? You should be doing this? Apply for this (sat in an office PPI job) because it pays well! … I get it! The world revolves around money. Without money you can’t do shit! I know that! Everyone knows that! But being happy matters more to me than having a bunch of 0’s in the bank! Of course it would be nice, but i hope to one day to be doing a job i want to do and love doing. (This seems to be looking more and more impossible by the day)

Im extremely lucky to of been brought up in a family where i have never had to worry about money. My parents aren’t rich, but they have always made sure that we are comfortable & my Mum & Dad work extremely hard at sustaining that. Maybe that’s why its taken me longer to figure stuff out, cause I’ve never had that pressure, and even tho now it isn’t direct pressure, I’m definitely feeling it.

I’m not where i want to be, and i have a constant feeling of guilt about the fact I don’t know what my path is in order to get there.

What i need to do:

Get back to uni! Complete a degree in something that will benefit my future. Get work experience during those years. Not get distracted by fuck boys! Not loose myself in the process of finding someone else. Stay kind. Stay positive.

It will be OK.

Im going off on a tangent now and not sure what my message is. But basically… Im trying to figure all this shit out, like the rest of us. Im not sure why i have decided to write this down and post it to the internet, maybe its therapy?

If you read this, maybe you can relate? Maybe life is causing you to have anxiety. If so, apparently its normal! #Relatable !!!!

xoxoIMG_0850

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